Overview
Definition:
The ability to recognize your own emotions and those of others,
discern between different feelings and label them appropriately
use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one’s goals‘
Four Components
Self Awareness
Self Regulation
Social Awareness
Emotional Information Relationship Skills
Module 1: Self-Awareness
How Self Awareness Benefits Your Career
help you make more “profitable” career decision by accurately “pricing” the emotional costs of benefits of every career decision.
Awareness of other people’s emotions and motives. Build great relationship and communication
Improve your ability to “hire” and “fire” people from your personal life
Better conflicts resolution
8 Self Awareness Key Skills
A high EQ person can recognize they’re experiencing a feeling, can identify the “real” feeling correctly by name, and can verbally share the feeling name with others.
Feeling intensity range
Better informed decisions: If a decision makes sense logically and emtionally, I proceed. If logical and emotional judgement diverge, I call a decision-making time out.
Foundation for noticing other people’s feelings easily
Self Awareness Scale System
Accurate self-assessment: enable you to strategically work around your weakness.
know your own weaknesses
staff around your weaknesses
ask others for help with your weaknesses
Bond with others via your weaknesses
Avoid emotional high-risk situations.
Parent Developed Self-Awareness: high EQ parents-> high EQ Children; re-parenting: teaching yourself the skills you did not acquire naturally during your childhood
How to Improve Self-Awareness: Asking yourself 3 deceptively simple questions, and ask your these questions multiple times per day (“ Hourly Chime” App)
What am I feeling right now? (has to been on the feeling wheel)?
What do I want right now?
What do I need right now?
Emotional Wheel
Model II: Emotional Self-Regulation
How Emotional Self-regulation Benefits Your Career
Enables you to avoid being a jerk or bully that nobody wants to work with or for
Improves team retention and performance by providing an emtionally stable, predictable wor environments
Enhances your career skills by inviting others (including peers and direct reports) to give you honest feedback, knowing there will be no emotional retaliation
Allows you to collaborate and resolve conflicts with others and establish long-term relationship\
Concepts and Skills
Reacting vs. Responding
Reaction: Trigger and reaction are both external [one step process]
Response: Trigger is external, People with Higher EQ, does not react, they response (there was an internal process: e.g. acknowledge the feelings-> Cool down -> consider response options-> choose response) [4-step processes]
Emotional Flooding and Triggers
When you are aware of your triggers, psychologists call that having” insight” into your own psychology. “Self-awareness is half the battle.”
Write down a list of your triggers and create a protocol/scripts for how you will response to those triggers.
Cooling down
Acknowledge feelings: tell yourself or others that feeling are valid.
Mental Quarantine
Remove yourself from situation & tell when you will be back
Deep Breathing (7, 7, 7 breath techniques)
Meditating
Exercise (Rigorous exercise, aggregate intense exercise within safe range)
Self-Soothing
Other- vs. Self-Validation: Determine your sense of worth from external or internal (self value).
Locus of Control: Perceptions/Belief about who or what controls your life
External Locus of Control
Internal Locus of Control: things you can control
Need to periodically ask yourself the questions. Whether certain expectation is internal or external
Accurate Self-assessment: only take and address constructive feedback. Dont lose yourself in others’ praise either
Affirm, Nurture, Self-care (ANS)
Affirm and acknowledge your feeling (even if the feeling is intellectually “wrong”)
Say loving and emotionally supportive things to yourself. Reframe how you feel to more accurate assessment
Take care of yourself after a particularly intense negative emotional experience.
Self-acceptance: accept who you are, even your mistakes, flaws and past. (not wishing it were different or dwell a lot about the past) “ Giving up hope of having a better past”
Self-care Protocols when
Feeling Lonely
recognize “lonely” = insufficient emotional connection in my life
Reach out to members of my emotional support network. (e.g. emotionally safe friends or family: who will not judge, criticize, or tell what to do based on what i share with them)
Expand my emotional support network
Feeling Anxiety
recognize"“ Anxiety” = worrying about the future
segment concerns about the future into controllable vs. uncontrollable factors. Focus on the things that I can control and focus on taking actions.
Shifting “anxiety” into “action” or “letting go”
Go to Bed!
Use mindfulness training (5 senses) to focus on the present
Feeling Regret
Recognize “regret” = dwelling on the past
Segment the regretful incident into one of the two categories (repairable vs. non-repairable)
non-repairable: (1) identify the lessons learned and not repeating the mistake (2) forgive myself (3) accept myself
Self-Accountability: hold yourself accountable for the mistakes you make, and when you negatively impact others.
Repair attempts
Notice you made a mistake
Acknowledge to yourself and others that you take responsibility
Apology
Attempt to counter the negative consequences other expereince due to your mistake
Module III: Social Awareness
Social Awareness Skills & Tools
Being Present: if you are not thinking about what the other person is saying or doing, you are not truly present. Very few people are truly present. If they are, you can immediately feel it.
they see, hear, and “feel” you (emotionally)
when you speak, they hear every word
when they ask a question, it’s about something specific you just mentioned.
if you seem upset, they notice and ask
if you smile at a particular comment, they pick up on it.
It is thoroughly enjoyable to interact with someone who is “present”
“Being present” is how you build “trusted advisor” respected colleague, and professional network relationships.
Formula= being present+good intentions+being comfortable with yourself
Incongruence: when two things do not match
when you detect emotional incongruence, you need to stop what you are doing and check in
Checking In
Script 1: you seem [body cue you noticed]; then ask open-ended questions
Reading the Room
Scan for incongruence or confirmatory body language signals
1-on-1: be present, make eye contact, scan their face and body language for cues
group interactions: recognize key decision-makers and influencers in the room. Scan their faces and body languages for cues
Body Language: recognize the incongruence is the key
Voice: (1) unexpected pause - notice and pause and check in to ask their concerns/thinking (2) “Filer” Sound - lack of certainty
Social Awareness Training
Check-in: can improve relationship and practice your social awareness
Watch the movie twice: first time (no audio), second time (with audio)
People Watching: when you are in line, watch a group of 2+ to check (1) what kind of relationships they are (2) what is each person feeling; watch people of certain career and ask them questions.
Emotionally Informed Relationship Skills
Benefits
Improve skills needed for roles involving greater people responsibility
Attract a stronger and deeper professional network (career security instead of job security)
Create mutually beneficial personal relationship
Attract higher EQ people into your personal life (similar EQ level attract each other)
Develop more emotional close relationships
Love a more emotionally satisfying life by eliminating loniness
increase your lifespan
8 Core Skills
Listen without Judgment, listen to understand
You get more information and relational advantage
Build relationships with senior executives in each functional area. I dont have an agenda, just simply try to understand. Every executive thought I was one of “them”. They think you really get one of the issues.
Three listening styles :
listen to speak,
listen to judge,
listen to understand (High EQ)
Listen to understand
Ask neutral questions that don’t have presumed correct answer.
Ask clarifying questions
Ask curiosity-based questions and then paraphrase
Acknowledge others’ feelings
When you acknowledge other’s thinking, they recognize you understand their ideas. but when you acknowledge their feelings, they feel that you understand them When you acknowledge other’s thinking, you build a professional relationship, When you acknowledge other’s feeling, you build a personal relationship that are professional that can last for years.
Reflecting back feelings. Reflect what you see, hear, feel. e.g. you sound, I can see that, I can feel that, you are really excited about this project, tell me about it.
Identify desired outcomes and underlying needs
identify what they want and you help them get it.
Most people over-focus on designed outcome, and dont realize there are often multiple ways to achieve the same “needs”. Negotiation and collaborative problem-solving centers around understanding underlying “needs”, helping others get their needs (even if they may not achieve the specific desired outcome they had in mind)
Corporate politics:
it occurs when different people in an organization attempt to seek their desired outcomes, which may sometimes conflict with the desired outcomes of others.
when you know what outcomes others seek, their actions become extremely predictable.
when you know what they need, you can develop alternative outcomes to satisfy the need behind their desired outcomes
Key insights: Nobody will object you for giving them what they need
The “magic” questions: (1) What if there were a way for your to get [insert underlying need] that didn’t happen to involve achieving [desired outcome], would you be interested? (2) when they are, and ask immediately you what, you can honestly answer I dont know yet and just want to check if they are interested.
Key insight: identifying the underlying need opens up many more possible outcomes than just the single desired outcome
Make Requests
The act of inviting another to take or stop certain actions
Think interactions as a form of requests.
if you dont ask you have no valid reason to expect.
Characteristics of an effective request ***
Do what by what date and time
Doing this will involve xxxx steps (what kind of details I need)
You know this is done right when xxx, (measurement)
A well-formed request is easy to get done with one cycle of requesting
it is important to recognize a poorly formed requests. = invitation for failure. This failure will create negative motions on both parties and you can predict the failure outcome before the work even begins.
you can gently “force'“ your boss to use the above template
you can make counter requests (I can get this done, when you get what done)
Productive conflict and problem solving
Product conflict resolution process for (1) conflicts about “requests” (2) conflicts about desired outcome
conflict about requests ***
Requester makes a request
Receiver voices objections/concerns or add additional information
Requester seeks to understand the objections, concerns, and additional information
listen without judgment
acknowledge receiver’s feelings (understand object to the request from the factual standpoint, or it is object to from the emotional perspective, dont mix these two up, “ you cannot win an emotional argument with logic”)
identify receiver’s goals and underlying needs (that conflict with request)
Request may be revised (incorporate the functional concerns as well as their emotional needs)
Conflict about desired outcome
You ask the other person about their desired outcomes and you share yours
Notice the conflicts
You seek to understand the other person’s desired outcomes and elicit the underlying needs
listen without judgment
acknowledge the feeling
understand the underlying needs
Share the needs underlying your desired outcome
Generate possible shared outcome goals that involve meeting both underlying needs
Create Agreements
Request inform the other person what you what. An agreement is their commitment to it. explicit agreement is important.
Agreement = request + commitment. The quality of the agreement can only be as high as the requests
Voluntarily made commitments enable self-accountability and genuine other-accountability.
Feedback
Every relationship benefits from two-way feedback
5 steps of effective feedback
Feedback agreement is needed when counter to the hierarchy (e.g. employees to manager, peer-to-peer-, vendor-to-client). The act of asking permission shows deference to the power hierarchy and signals no desire to change it.
Peer-to-peer feedback:
it is generally safer to ask others to give you feedback
once they’ve agreed to give you feedback, they’ll often reciprocate or be more open to a request for a mutual exchange of feedback
Use phrase” give suggestions” instead of “give feedback”
less authoritative tone
Senior executives really appreciate “eyes and ears” feedback
just reporting what you have been seen and hearing. pass along the concerns I am hearing. I can share what I hear and let you know how morale is going. would that be something that would be helpful to you.
Useful feedback criteria (SMART)
Specific: the more specific the better
Measurable - quantifiable
Achievable - within their skillset
Realistic
Timely
Build Trust (be true to your words)
Trust in accuracy of words (be consistent about your messages, dont be two faced)
Trust in reliability of follow-through (say what you do then go and do it)
